But I do not do what I want to do.

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now, if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that is good. So now it is no longer I who did it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to do what is right. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who did it, but sin that dwells within me." -Romans 7: 15-20

Wow. If you're like most people, by now you are scratching your head and saying, "Whu?".

Me too.

When we fell from grace, we fell hard. I like to think of it like this:

Imagine this beautiful sort of forest, massive in size but doesn't fill the entire world. It's got boundaries too. There's this feeling of happiness, like those lazy summer days without the laziness. No discomfort from heat- everything is like climate controlled and awesome. Everything is beautifully dark green, and simple. The animals don't fight. The fruit is always perfectly ripe. There's this sort of subconcious music playing all the time, and people feel it more than hear it. It's like a wonderful dream.

But then we ate what we shouldn't have. And there was this sudden falling feeling, like when something goes very wrong and you feel your stomach fall. And you can't hear the music anymore. And there's this sort of massive vibration you can't hear, but you feel, like a sonic boom. Everything is quiet, and everything seems rougher.

This is the fall.

Ted Dekker, in 'Black', puts this story into a wonderful new form. There are two forests: the Colored Forest and the Black Forest. The Colored Forest is full of beautiful trees and takes up almost the entire land. But this Black Forest is scary, and all the trees seem dead. There's a massive green river dividing the two, and a small white bridge. Good and Evil in physical form, divided only slightly.

Eventually, one of the characters drinks some of Teeleh(Satan)'s water while ignoring Elyon(God)'s command. The Shataiki bats, these giant black bats of Teeleh's, swarm across the river in a massive black tidal wave. As soon as they cross, things start to die. Whenever the horde passes Elyon's trees and fruit, it withers. These huge bats attack anything living. And everything just starts dying.

This is our sin nature. Temptation and doubt led us to the Fall. Faith and wisdom will have lead us to God.

Paul puts the sin nature right there on the table, in words a small child can understand. In bullet-point fashion:

-We know what's right, but don't do it.
-We desire to do what's right, but don't.
-We desire to always do what's right, but can't. (...I know nothing good dwells in my flesh.)
-We are incapable of doing the completely right thing without God.

I see this in myself all the time. I am constantly aware of when I'm sinning, and so many times I do so willfully. So, questions to mull over:

-What does it take for us to be able to- with God's help- do the right thing?
-Considering 98% of our sins are willful, how can we be forgiven when we are told willful sinning is not forgiven?
-Is willful sinning sinning and not caring at all or knowing it's wrong (like Paul said) and doing it?

You see, the last two can, for all intensive purposes, be put into black and white.

Sinning and not feeling any remorse or caring is WRONG.

Sinning while understand it's wrong and having any guilt at all is how we should feel. And it's hard. It's VERY difficult to feel bad for your sin. I'd say 50-55% of my prayers are "Lord, make me hate and feel guilt for my sin."

Referencing Ted Dekker again (love this author), there's another set of events in the book 'Black' which I absolutely love, though not for the same reasons most Christians do.

Thomas Hunter, so desperately wanting to know and speak with Elyon, jumps head-first into Elyon's water. This would be something like trying to look at God.

Anyway, he get's in there, and, in Ted's own words, 'immediately knew it was a mistake'. Just a few seconds after complete submersion, Thomas begins to ripped to pieces. At first it's like he's being electrified, and then as he's drowning, the water turns red. He feels the pain of his own sin and hears the weeping of Elyon as he feels Thom's pain, as Elyon shoulders it. It literally almost kills Thomas, and he's about to die, when he hears Elyon screaming in pain, weeping in agony as he completely shoulders Thom's sin. And then Thomas really wants to die.

Most people love this scene because it shows how much God cares about us, but that's only one of the reasons I love it. I love it because it reminds me that if I were to stare my own sins in the face, I would literally be torn apart. It would kill me. I wouldn't be able to handle it. It would not only kill you, it would literally feel like you should be un-created.

And I'll admit, I almost cried reading that 3-4 page scene in the book of Thomas in the lake. Not only because of finally feeling like someone understands what would happen if we were to see our sin, but because the next part, which is why most people love it.

Finally, Thomas' pain stops and he is overwhelmed by raw joy and pleasure, not just because of what he's just seen but because it's being thrown at him by the lake. It's Elyon's joy. Thomas breathes in the water, and is fine. And he's laughing and swimming in it, and a voice asks him "Do you like it?". Ted describes the next part as Thomas shouting yes with every possible fiber of his being, both with voice and soul. And the voice says. "I made this." And while Thomas is still just so overwhelmed by the experience, Elyon tells him that he is loved.

It's got to be one of my favorite scenes in a book EVER. Because it just hit every note.

We have a sin nature that has consumed us so much it's nearly impossible to do the right thing. And when we try to do the right thing, it comes out all twisted and messed up. We have alterior motives and adulterous hearts.

It's impossible for us to do true good in the world, because only God is capable of true good. And I hope that when I finally see him, I can 'jump into the lake', because only once I've seen my sin and felt that pain will I ever even begin to understand what true goodness is.

*I'm a saint, I'm a sinner. I'm a lover and fighter. I'm a true believer with great desire.*
- This Is Who I Am, Third Day

Well

*Rhythmical moving,
emotions are rising,
quivering to music,
trembling bodies in song.
Go unsteadily sliding,
devious gliding.
So beautifully sailing and floating on.
Life's real when angels and serpents dance.*
-When Angels and Serpents Dance, P.O.D

This blog isn't about answering the questions that are being asked so much as it is to inspire readers to think about these questions. These ideas. These thoughts.

I'm not perfect. I don't know the Bible cover to cover (yet, hopefully.). But I'm a truth seeker, searching for answers from a Christian perspective.

Rob Bell, pastor at Mars Hill Church, defines it this way:

"The word theology comes from two parts. Theos, meaning God. And logos, meanings talk or speak. Theology: God talk. Anyone can do theology."-Rob Bell, Jesus Wants to Save Christians

So, I'm definitely not perfect, and I don't have all the answers to these questions I'm posting. But I'm hoping that, by inspiring you to dive deep into the amazing world of theology and the Bible, we all can learn and grow in Christ.

Know this: As well as being a truth seeker, I'm a doubting Thomas. I'm the person who wants to put his hand on the scars before he believes, not after. My doubts are part of the inspiration to start a blog that can help people think about the same huge questions someone like Thomas would've pondered. Just because you doubt doesn't mean you don't believe. If you're worried about your doubts, you haven't lost your faith or gone astray. A dead fig tree doesn't worry about such things, because a tree worried about bearing fruit isn't dead.

Also, know another thing: I'm not building off of any theology, really. I'm a Calvinist, but I'm just reading the Bible in context and thinking about exactly what it says.

I trust CS Lewis and John Calvin the most when it comes to matters of theology, but I'm not taking anything from them. I'm trying to remove myself from all prerequisites and demands, just as Paul prayed.

God bless. Dive deep.

I don't believe in love- I think

*Love is here, Love is now. Love is pouring from His hands, from His brow.*

I've been thinking (surprise surprise), and I'm not sure humans can love.

There's some philosopher who speculated that 98% of human actions is motivated by sexual desire.

Now, that being said, from everything I've seen, love is completely chemical and hormonal. Teens will say 'I'm in love with you' because their hormones are raging, thus tricking them into thinking they are in love.

Does this mean all feelings of love are chemical? Like my previous questions on good and evil, is love purely in the mind due to chemicals like pheromones and adrenaline?

This brings me to my next thought: Did God create humans as creatures who understand good, evil, and love through science? Did God create human beings as unique creatures because they understand these things through scientific chemical means?

While God and his angels understand true love and the notions of good(right) and evil(wrong) through the soul, do humans subconsciously understand these things through the way God has created the chemicals in the mind? And, more importantly, does this mean that God and Evil, in the human world, are very physical things?

It's been proven that by altering chemicals in people's minds will affect their personalities. While this may sound very science-ee, the mots simple example would be anti-depressants. They help the brain release chemicals so that you are HAPPIER.

I know I come across very skeptical, and sort of like Brennan on "Bones", but I feel this is something important to think about. There's an episode of the Mentalist where a company claims to have created a "Morality Engine". It's a machine that can stimulate a person's mind so that they are actually good or evil. While the end of the episode reveals that the machine is a fake and they were paying off the testers, it does raise the question: could a person be manipulated into being good or evil? And, drawing on my last entry, what are good and evil?

I believe that Jesus Christ, as a son of God, was definitely capable of true, non-chemical based love. His love was God's love. His love was REAL love. Jesus' love didn't come from chemicals in the brain. Jesus Christ-Yeshua's- love didn't come from anything but true love. That's why he died for us.

So, are humans capable of the same kind of love?

Good and Evil

My dad and I were watching some of the old Smallville episodes the other day- we're big Superman fans here- and he pointed out something interesting.

We were watching the first episode of season two (to those of you who know your Smallville, that's when Clark is AWOL from life and running renegade in Metropolis...), in which Clark Kent is wearing a 'red kryptonite' ring. While in contact with Red Kryptonite, a Kryptonian (in this case, Clark) loses all inhibitions. Clark starts robbing backs while using his powers, and just acting like a complete jerk. He's in total rebellion.

So my dad asked, "So are good and evil chemical related to Kryptonians? Like, since he can become this way just by coming in contact with a mineral?"

Now, of course, I resisted the urge to blurt out that Red K is not, in fact, a mineral but a radioactive piece of Krypton changed while traveling through space, by my desire to enter this conversation and to hide my complete dorkiness prevented me from doing so.

Anyway, we talked about it for a while, and I left the conversation thinking:

Is good and evil a chemical thing? Is it just something in our brains?

Or is good and evil in the soul?

Is the reason humans are unique and loved by God because our good and evil is scientific? Or are humans special because the free will in our souls controls and enables good and evil for us?

What is evil? What is good?

You can instantly- and probably will- say good and evil are like right and wrong. You just know, somehow. It's good to help people and be nice. It's evil to kill and be a jerk.

Right?

What is true evil? Can humans be good? At what point does the man become the monster? When does evil enter a child? Are humans, after this fall, capable of anything but evil disguised as good?

Is good and evil in the mind, in science? Are there only evil acts, and no evil people?

Or is good and evil in the soul? Are there evil people and good people?

Will be exploring this in later entries....

"You say human like it's a bad thing."
"...Just going on what I've seen." -Clark and Milton Fein, Smallville season 5