*Fear can drive a stick, and it's taking me down this road- a road down which I swore Id' never go. And hear I sit, thinking of God knows what, afraid to admit I might self destruct.*
- Devastation and Reform, Relient K
- Devastation and Reform, Relient K
Early on in my Freshman year, our New Testament class was assigned a project. It was a memoir/brief autobiography of ourselves. You know, one of those things teacher's assign to get to know their students. Basic stuff.
Well, the first line of my paper was, "I'm not interesting."
Okay, this may take a little explanation. See, up to that point, I'd say my life wasn't interesting. I didn't have one of those amazing stories about turning to Christ- I had one of those 'been all my life but really clicked during summer camp on year' conversion stories. Although there had been a few incidents in my life that were semi-interesting stories, other than that, nada.
At least, that's what I thought.
A few months later, something happened.
See, there's a slight history of anxiety in my family. You know, 'worry-wartism'.
During my fifth grade year I had dealt with a form of an anxiety disorder, and after several months, defeated it. I attributed the success to A) God's help, B)My will, C)Medicine.
Anyway, after that, I was normal, save a few eccentricities. But suddenly, something in my mind apparently just snapped- no, not like I went insane. It was like my body had been storing up all my anxiety and worry and fear over the course of four years. And suddenly, it just flooded.
Okay, that's not a good way to describe. But it happened so gradually, so deceivingly slowly, that in retrospect it seems like it just sneaked up on me. (Yes, it's sneaked, not snuck.)
So after Christmas Break, my world fell apart. I developed not only a new anxiety disorder but OCD- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
This doesn't mean I was crazy. In fact, MILLIONS of people suffer from some form or another of OCD. But suddenly, I developed this fear of contamination- not germs, but contamination. It's hard to explain.
Mostly, because to you, and to me NOW, it doesn't make sense. It's not practical. It was just irrational, uncontrollable fear. And it just started eating me up inside.
Suddenly, I was sleeping on an air matress in the living room instead of my room. Suddenly, all the food in the house was contaminated and I had to eat out. I couldn't make myself eat food at home. I wouldn't touch my dog or family. I couldn't touch anything in the house, essentially. And the outside world was similar.
It was soul-crushing. That's the only way to describe it.
In his book "Drops Like Stars", pastor Rob Bell makes a valid point. He says that when suffering strikes people, they always ask the question, "why?".
The 'why' is always the same: we live in a fallen world.
So the logical thought progression is, "Why would God allow it?"
Rob Bell says the question we should ask is, "What now?"
This may sound the same as when people say 'everything happens for a reason', but it's not. Because it's not in our human capacity to accept or truly understand that.
It's the idea that when suffering strikes, we take a step back, no matter how difficult that may be, and we ask:
What now?
Where do I go from here? What is my life now?
This isn't the same as asking "How is God using this to teach me?".
It's more of a step toward that thought. It's like we aren't quite ready to swallow the truth that God IS going to use it, so we take a baby-step. We ask, "What now?''
What are the truths of my life? Where do I go from here?
It's incredibly hard to do while suffering, and incredibly painful to do while in the face of suffering.
The first month into Summer Vacation, after MONTHS of psychological training and 'therapy', the OCD was defeated. Not gone, but defeated so badly that any time it chose to try and make me anxious, I could quell it.
And just recently, I have gotten around to asking, "What now?"
Fear guided my life for months. I know for a fact that nothing will ever be the same with me in light of that experience. It's too powerful.
My friendships suffered from lack of speaking and making contact for months. Never even seeing people. My life socially had changed dramatically.
So, I ask: "What now?"
I've been wondering what God was trying to teach me from this experience, because I'm finally at the point where I can start asking that question.
It's most likely you will say, "God is teaching you that He is always with you and that with His help you can get through anything!"
Or possibly: "God wants you to gain understanding of psychological anxiety disorders so you can move into a career on that subject."
I disagree with both, although they might be totally correct.
I think
He was saying,
"You ARE interesting."
I opened a paper just a few months before with the sentence "I'm not interesting", and within a few months, enter an ordeal that very few can truly say they have been part of. And it's happened before. Twice, I have beaten this.
What kind of kid can say that? Although OCD is common, on a smaller scale, it's semi-rare. I may be the only kid in my grade to ever have dealt with an Anxiety Disorder on this level.
And on a larger scale, many people with OCD just adapt to it. They never defeat it.
So recently I thought about my life.
And I realized, if you don't count those two incidents, I still have had a very unique life. I have stories in my past that make most people go wide-eyed.
I think God was just trying to tell me, "You ARE interesting. You DO matter. And if others don't find you interesting, well...I find you fascinating. Your life is infatuating to me."
God loves me so much. He cares so much about me. About my life.
And that's a concept I know I'll never fully be able to understand. But I sure will try.
I'll try because God is interested in me.
Well, the first line of my paper was, "I'm not interesting."
Okay, this may take a little explanation. See, up to that point, I'd say my life wasn't interesting. I didn't have one of those amazing stories about turning to Christ- I had one of those 'been all my life but really clicked during summer camp on year' conversion stories. Although there had been a few incidents in my life that were semi-interesting stories, other than that, nada.
At least, that's what I thought.
A few months later, something happened.
See, there's a slight history of anxiety in my family. You know, 'worry-wartism'.
During my fifth grade year I had dealt with a form of an anxiety disorder, and after several months, defeated it. I attributed the success to A) God's help, B)My will, C)Medicine.
Anyway, after that, I was normal, save a few eccentricities. But suddenly, something in my mind apparently just snapped- no, not like I went insane. It was like my body had been storing up all my anxiety and worry and fear over the course of four years. And suddenly, it just flooded.
Okay, that's not a good way to describe. But it happened so gradually, so deceivingly slowly, that in retrospect it seems like it just sneaked up on me. (Yes, it's sneaked, not snuck.)
So after Christmas Break, my world fell apart. I developed not only a new anxiety disorder but OCD- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
This doesn't mean I was crazy. In fact, MILLIONS of people suffer from some form or another of OCD. But suddenly, I developed this fear of contamination- not germs, but contamination. It's hard to explain.
Mostly, because to you, and to me NOW, it doesn't make sense. It's not practical. It was just irrational, uncontrollable fear. And it just started eating me up inside.
Suddenly, I was sleeping on an air matress in the living room instead of my room. Suddenly, all the food in the house was contaminated and I had to eat out. I couldn't make myself eat food at home. I wouldn't touch my dog or family. I couldn't touch anything in the house, essentially. And the outside world was similar.
It was soul-crushing. That's the only way to describe it.
In his book "Drops Like Stars", pastor Rob Bell makes a valid point. He says that when suffering strikes people, they always ask the question, "why?".
The 'why' is always the same: we live in a fallen world.
So the logical thought progression is, "Why would God allow it?"
Rob Bell says the question we should ask is, "What now?"
This may sound the same as when people say 'everything happens for a reason', but it's not. Because it's not in our human capacity to accept or truly understand that.
It's the idea that when suffering strikes, we take a step back, no matter how difficult that may be, and we ask:
What now?
Where do I go from here? What is my life now?
This isn't the same as asking "How is God using this to teach me?".
It's more of a step toward that thought. It's like we aren't quite ready to swallow the truth that God IS going to use it, so we take a baby-step. We ask, "What now?''
What are the truths of my life? Where do I go from here?
It's incredibly hard to do while suffering, and incredibly painful to do while in the face of suffering.
The first month into Summer Vacation, after MONTHS of psychological training and 'therapy', the OCD was defeated. Not gone, but defeated so badly that any time it chose to try and make me anxious, I could quell it.
And just recently, I have gotten around to asking, "What now?"
Fear guided my life for months. I know for a fact that nothing will ever be the same with me in light of that experience. It's too powerful.
My friendships suffered from lack of speaking and making contact for months. Never even seeing people. My life socially had changed dramatically.
So, I ask: "What now?"
I've been wondering what God was trying to teach me from this experience, because I'm finally at the point where I can start asking that question.
It's most likely you will say, "God is teaching you that He is always with you and that with His help you can get through anything!"
Or possibly: "God wants you to gain understanding of psychological anxiety disorders so you can move into a career on that subject."
I disagree with both, although they might be totally correct.
I think
He was saying,
"You ARE interesting."
I opened a paper just a few months before with the sentence "I'm not interesting", and within a few months, enter an ordeal that very few can truly say they have been part of. And it's happened before. Twice, I have beaten this.
What kind of kid can say that? Although OCD is common, on a smaller scale, it's semi-rare. I may be the only kid in my grade to ever have dealt with an Anxiety Disorder on this level.
And on a larger scale, many people with OCD just adapt to it. They never defeat it.
So recently I thought about my life.
And I realized, if you don't count those two incidents, I still have had a very unique life. I have stories in my past that make most people go wide-eyed.
I think God was just trying to tell me, "You ARE interesting. You DO matter. And if others don't find you interesting, well...I find you fascinating. Your life is infatuating to me."
God loves me so much. He cares so much about me. About my life.
And that's a concept I know I'll never fully be able to understand. But I sure will try.
I'll try because God is interested in me.
