*When did you get so watered down?
I thought your blood was thick.*
Lost Continent
I try to keep this blog from being about me too much (admittedly I fail miserably sometimes), but right now I just kind of need a bit of an outlet.
Lately, I've felt incredible burnt out spiritually. It's been a really hard year for a lot of reasons and I can tell it's really taken a toll on my faith.
I've always been terrified that I'm one of those Christians who burns bright for a moment and then burns out entirely and loses the way. Or that I'm just a tree that doesn't bear fruit. Honestly, I don't think my faith has ever made a significant impact on anyone in my life, no matter how hard I try to make it the central axis of my life.
I see people- people my age- who are honest, real influences. They're involved in things like causes, they can recite verses from memory, they know so much, they read so many books I've never even considered, and it's just like... That's who I want to be. Why am I not?
I'm terrible at remembering references of verses. I can barely ever get words out straight unless I'm writing them out. I'm not involved in any causes, I'm not making a difference or really delivering a message. I'm a kid with a blog, wishing I was more than I actually am.
I think if I'm blatantly honest, my faith has plateaued. Something that should never happen for a Christian. We should always be learning and growing. But I'm not. I'm stuck in place and I don't know why and I don't want to be. I used to have an incredible certainty and passion for Christ and for a while I was able to really use it to help people, but now it's like it's gone.
I keep trying to help people but the words don't come as easily and it's like I'm forcing them out instead of having them just pour out of me from the Holy Spirit like they used to. Maybe my time of usefulness has finished. Maybe my purpose was to help in those situations and now that it's complete I just have to wait until Heaven and see if I can make it.
I try reading lately but I don't get any feeling from what I read. I pray constantly but it's like talking to a wall. I'm so frustrated and stressed and I just don't get it. I've always been sure that God's purpose for me was to help people, but I'm not in any condition to help anyone. I can't do anyone any good like this.
Honestly, a lot of crap has happened this year that I haven't been able to let go of in part. There's a lot of stuff that happened that I feel like I could've stopped from happening for people, but I didn't. And that just makes me feel like I'm not living up to my purpose. So maybe I've stopped bearing fruit. Maybe my faith isn't what I thought it was. I don't know.
I'm just confused and exhausted and frustrated right now.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Get Over Yourself And Start A War
"I hear so many Christians murmuring about their imperfections and their failures and their addictions and their shortcomings and I see so little war! "Murmur, murmur, murmur, why am I this way?" MAKE WAR!" --John Piper
Ever since I was a child, I have been a Christian.
Not because this was forced on me. True, I was raised in the church and taught about Scripture from an early age, but this was not my motivation.
My faith has never been my parents' faith which I inherited like hair color, eye color, or my unfortunate height. At least, I've always striven to prove this. I certainly hope this is the case. All I know is that Christianity is the only thing that makes any sense to me after what I've seen in my life.
But you must also know another thing about me.
Ever since I was a child, I have been a Thomas. I have been on the fence. I have been a doubter, a failure, and a seeker all along side of being a believer.
This doubt is not in the power of Christ, or in the truth of the Gospel, or in anything the Bible says.
This doubt is in myself.
Time and time again, I have asked myself in life:
'Am I REALLY a Christian? Is my faith real? Am I 'bearing fruit'?'
This stems not only from a complete lack of faith in myself but from an inability to believe in God's promises, in His grace.
He says that if I give Him my heart just once in my life, He will hold it forever into eternity.
So why doubt that? Why constantly torture myself, weakening my own faith by my own insecurities and pains? God has saved me. Yet even as I type that sentence, I feel that question rush over me like a tidal wave.
'Am I really saved? Am I really a Christian? Am I really meeting up to what I need to be?'
Obviously, I'm aware that I could never 'meet up' to what God deserves as a servant. This thought is accompanied by a works based faith that comes from arrogance just as much as it does insecurity. So why do I torture myself?
Clearly, I have some trust issues. I acknowledge this. I don't trust people. I don't often have faith in them. Also, I don't trust my Father enough or the promises He has made.
I am constantly worrying about the state of my soul. I am constantly asking, 'Is it neat enough, tidy enough, is it working right' and so on. Like a mechanic obsessing over a car.
This fear, this doubt, hinders me. Cripples me. Keeps me from being the light I could be. And I know that you have, at some point in your life, felt this same fear.
'Where is my heart? Am I truly a Christian? Have I really been saved?'
I remember this one time, I was working on a project for school with a partner. It was some kind of artsy thingamajig-- a poster or a presentation. I vaguely remember a movie. But I remember getting SO FRUSTRATED with him at times because every time we'd start making progress, he'd go back and triple check what we'd just finished. It was impossible to make any headway. Obviously I wanted the project to be good too, but he was so caught up in making sure things were 'right', that things were 'perfect' or 'up to standards' that we made so little progress. And it just drove me CRAZY. I was like, 'If we don't just start, we'll never get anywhere! Sometimes you just have to go!'
Do you ever wonder if this is how Jesus sometimes feels with you?
Like you're so worried about the state of your own soul, the state of your own affairs, that you're missing the point?
Like He's trying to teach you and you just won't hear Him 'cause you're so busy making sure you're meeting some kind of standard or definition of Christian?
Guess what guys?
STOP IT.
Don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way, as it can be interpreted different than how I truly mean it:
STOP WORRYING ABOUT YOUR SOUL.
We get so wrapped up in our own salvation and making sure we're 'good Christians' that we miss out on what really matters--
OTHER PEOPLE'S SOULS.
Stop worrying whether you're going to heaven or hell and just SERVE GOD. Just work for the good of His cause and for others. Stop scrutinizing yourself and keeping yourself from being a part of the world and truly helping people. Stop worrying about whether you go to heaven or hell. Worry about how you are AFFECTING YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS.
Are you leading them to God or away from God?
Some of you will be saying, 'But if we don't focus on fixing ourselves, what if we mess up and misrepresent God?'
Stop it.
Guess what? God created the entire universe! You think He only uses Christians to deliver his message? WRONG. He uses EVERYTHING. If God wants someone's attention, trust me, He'll get it Himself, one way or another.
Stop worrying about whether you are being a perfect example of a Christian. 'Cause guess what? Ya can't be. You'll never be that.
But if you keep obsessing, if you keep yourself locked up in your own heart focused on dealing with your failures and shortcomings, you will miss what your true mission is.
Your mission is to bring TRUTH AND LOVE TO OTHERS. Yes, you will screw up occasionally. But God uses every little screw up in some way or another to not only teach you but to teach all of the other people in the world.
God's creation is one giant social network. One person can't do something without affecting EVERYONE else in some small way. That's what being part of creation is.
Get out there, trust that God will guide you, pray, follow His word, and most importantly:
Stop being a Christian focused on your own salvation.
Start being a Christian focused on spreading the good news to as many as you can.
I know I am guilty of focusing on my own salvation. I worry too much. I am scared not of dying, but of hell. I admit this. I want to be saved. But it's not the fear of hell that makes you a Christian, it's the recognition of sin and the acceptance of Jesus Christ as your King.
So here's my new philosophy (and this may be wrong, this is just what is on my heart lately)-
I'm done caring what happens to me. Because this is not about me. It's about others. It's about bringing Him glory. It's not about saving my soul and where I will end up after I die. It's about trying to show others that He is the truth.
I would much rather end up in hell knowing I had helped save on soul than end up in heaven and realize I spent my whole life focused on the state of my soul alone.
Maybe that's asking for trouble. Maybe when the judgment day comes, I'll find out my faith was not what real faith should look like. But I'm going to try to bring as many people to Christ as I can now. Because it's not about me anymore. It's about my brothers and sisters, and it's about Him- my father.
OUR Father.
Yes, I am terrified of the idea of finding out at the Second Coming that I am doomed to hell rather than so blessed as to rest with my Father in Heaven. But if I keep constantly scrutinizing my soul because of that fear, if I keep constantly 'checking my faith to see if it's right', I will become so self-centered I won't be any good to what truly matters--
Bringing God glory.
So wake up. Get up, go out, proclaim! You've gotta let people know what you've heard. Give them the same Good News you've heard.
Your sin will be there until the second coming. But if you over-emphasize it, if you let it control your life through fear of failure, you will lose sight of the most important part of God's grace-- the fact that He took it upon Himself to nullify our sins. God is working each and every second of the day to shape you in His image if He has chosen you. So take heart in that, trust in that, and get to work.
You've got more important things to do than save your soul. Let me rephrase-- You've got more important things to do than save your soul only and no one else'. Get out into the world and be a light. Live selflessly and proclaim the truth of Jesus Christ. Spread his message and teach people how they should then live.
You think you can't do it? You think you aren't ready?
God is working EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY on YOUR TRANSFORMATION. You aren't the one doing the work here- God is.
So trust Him to use you and stop caring about yourself.
God bless.
PS- If I was at all unclear or there is anything you'd wish to discuss/point out/refute, I'm all ears. Just hit me up in either the comments section below or via e-mail at...
dystopiandino@yahoo.com
Thanks. Love to you all! :)
Ever since I was a child, I have been a Christian.
Not because this was forced on me. True, I was raised in the church and taught about Scripture from an early age, but this was not my motivation.
My faith has never been my parents' faith which I inherited like hair color, eye color, or my unfortunate height. At least, I've always striven to prove this. I certainly hope this is the case. All I know is that Christianity is the only thing that makes any sense to me after what I've seen in my life.
But you must also know another thing about me.
Ever since I was a child, I have been a Thomas. I have been on the fence. I have been a doubter, a failure, and a seeker all along side of being a believer.
This doubt is not in the power of Christ, or in the truth of the Gospel, or in anything the Bible says.
This doubt is in myself.
Time and time again, I have asked myself in life:
'Am I REALLY a Christian? Is my faith real? Am I 'bearing fruit'?'
This stems not only from a complete lack of faith in myself but from an inability to believe in God's promises, in His grace.
He says that if I give Him my heart just once in my life, He will hold it forever into eternity.
So why doubt that? Why constantly torture myself, weakening my own faith by my own insecurities and pains? God has saved me. Yet even as I type that sentence, I feel that question rush over me like a tidal wave.
'Am I really saved? Am I really a Christian? Am I really meeting up to what I need to be?'
Obviously, I'm aware that I could never 'meet up' to what God deserves as a servant. This thought is accompanied by a works based faith that comes from arrogance just as much as it does insecurity. So why do I torture myself?
Clearly, I have some trust issues. I acknowledge this. I don't trust people. I don't often have faith in them. Also, I don't trust my Father enough or the promises He has made.
I am constantly worrying about the state of my soul. I am constantly asking, 'Is it neat enough, tidy enough, is it working right' and so on. Like a mechanic obsessing over a car.
This fear, this doubt, hinders me. Cripples me. Keeps me from being the light I could be. And I know that you have, at some point in your life, felt this same fear.
'Where is my heart? Am I truly a Christian? Have I really been saved?'
I remember this one time, I was working on a project for school with a partner. It was some kind of artsy thingamajig-- a poster or a presentation. I vaguely remember a movie. But I remember getting SO FRUSTRATED with him at times because every time we'd start making progress, he'd go back and triple check what we'd just finished. It was impossible to make any headway. Obviously I wanted the project to be good too, but he was so caught up in making sure things were 'right', that things were 'perfect' or 'up to standards' that we made so little progress. And it just drove me CRAZY. I was like, 'If we don't just start, we'll never get anywhere! Sometimes you just have to go!'
Do you ever wonder if this is how Jesus sometimes feels with you?
Like you're so worried about the state of your own soul, the state of your own affairs, that you're missing the point?
Like He's trying to teach you and you just won't hear Him 'cause you're so busy making sure you're meeting some kind of standard or definition of Christian?
Guess what guys?
STOP IT.
Don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way, as it can be interpreted different than how I truly mean it:
STOP WORRYING ABOUT YOUR SOUL.
We get so wrapped up in our own salvation and making sure we're 'good Christians' that we miss out on what really matters--
OTHER PEOPLE'S SOULS.
Stop worrying whether you're going to heaven or hell and just SERVE GOD. Just work for the good of His cause and for others. Stop scrutinizing yourself and keeping yourself from being a part of the world and truly helping people. Stop worrying about whether you go to heaven or hell. Worry about how you are AFFECTING YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS.
Are you leading them to God or away from God?
Some of you will be saying, 'But if we don't focus on fixing ourselves, what if we mess up and misrepresent God?'
Stop it.
Guess what? God created the entire universe! You think He only uses Christians to deliver his message? WRONG. He uses EVERYTHING. If God wants someone's attention, trust me, He'll get it Himself, one way or another.
Stop worrying about whether you are being a perfect example of a Christian. 'Cause guess what? Ya can't be. You'll never be that.
But if you keep obsessing, if you keep yourself locked up in your own heart focused on dealing with your failures and shortcomings, you will miss what your true mission is.
Your mission is to bring TRUTH AND LOVE TO OTHERS. Yes, you will screw up occasionally. But God uses every little screw up in some way or another to not only teach you but to teach all of the other people in the world.
God's creation is one giant social network. One person can't do something without affecting EVERYONE else in some small way. That's what being part of creation is.
Get out there, trust that God will guide you, pray, follow His word, and most importantly:
Stop being a Christian focused on your own salvation.
Start being a Christian focused on spreading the good news to as many as you can.
I know I am guilty of focusing on my own salvation. I worry too much. I am scared not of dying, but of hell. I admit this. I want to be saved. But it's not the fear of hell that makes you a Christian, it's the recognition of sin and the acceptance of Jesus Christ as your King.
So here's my new philosophy (and this may be wrong, this is just what is on my heart lately)-
I'm done caring what happens to me. Because this is not about me. It's about others. It's about bringing Him glory. It's not about saving my soul and where I will end up after I die. It's about trying to show others that He is the truth.
I would much rather end up in hell knowing I had helped save on soul than end up in heaven and realize I spent my whole life focused on the state of my soul alone.
Maybe that's asking for trouble. Maybe when the judgment day comes, I'll find out my faith was not what real faith should look like. But I'm going to try to bring as many people to Christ as I can now. Because it's not about me anymore. It's about my brothers and sisters, and it's about Him- my father.
OUR Father.
Yes, I am terrified of the idea of finding out at the Second Coming that I am doomed to hell rather than so blessed as to rest with my Father in Heaven. But if I keep constantly scrutinizing my soul because of that fear, if I keep constantly 'checking my faith to see if it's right', I will become so self-centered I won't be any good to what truly matters--
Bringing God glory.
So wake up. Get up, go out, proclaim! You've gotta let people know what you've heard. Give them the same Good News you've heard.
Your sin will be there until the second coming. But if you over-emphasize it, if you let it control your life through fear of failure, you will lose sight of the most important part of God's grace-- the fact that He took it upon Himself to nullify our sins. God is working each and every second of the day to shape you in His image if He has chosen you. So take heart in that, trust in that, and get to work.
You've got more important things to do than save your soul. Let me rephrase-- You've got more important things to do than save your soul only and no one else'. Get out into the world and be a light. Live selflessly and proclaim the truth of Jesus Christ. Spread his message and teach people how they should then live.
You think you can't do it? You think you aren't ready?
God is working EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY on YOUR TRANSFORMATION. You aren't the one doing the work here- God is.
So trust Him to use you and stop caring about yourself.
God bless.
PS- If I was at all unclear or there is anything you'd wish to discuss/point out/refute, I'm all ears. Just hit me up in either the comments section below or via e-mail at...
dystopiandino@yahoo.com
Thanks. Love to you all! :)
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