I've been thinking about love a lot lately.
A million things spring to mind from the word love. It's one of those rare words that maintains its power and feeling throughout generations.
American culture is obsessed with love.
Most people would argue that these days it's actually sex, not love. I disagree. Our culture is obsessed with love to the point where it has become twisted and perverted out of the definition of the real thing.
People will take love wherever they can find it these days. Digging under what many call a sex-obsessed culture is just a world yearning for belonging and connection with other people.
A connection so surgically severed through the Fall.
The Bible is all about love.
Of course, you've heard that a thousand times. So that has probably lost its meaning at this point.
My girlfriend and I split up recently. Like all break-ups, it was not pleasant. I'll be the first to admit that I was not entirely blameless. However, the whole fiasco got me thinking about relationships and love.
(Admittedly, this was my first serious relationship, so I hesitate greatly to say I was 'in love'. I do know for sure I cared about this person a great deal.)
A few good friends of mine recently expressed a concern they had about myself. They told me they felt I tried too hard to make other people happy, despite the personal cost. This is something I felt was completely unfounded, since I am an admittedly selfish, arrogant person. These confrontations often wound up in very heated discussion. At one point, a friend was trying to give me advice and I was so caught up in the moment of the discussion I said exactly what I was feeling.
The funny thing about arguments with friends is they often function as incredible mirrors. They really do help you realize something about yourself you've never even admitted before.
The situation that had led to the end of my relationship with my girlfriend was very confusing and convoluted. It felt like lots of people were involved in something that should've just been between us two.
So, after the break-up, I'm having this argument with a friend who is trying to give me advice. And I blurted out something, in my anger, along the lines of:
"Why does it matter what I want? I just want these other people to be happy!"
My friend instantly showed me what I had said by repeating it verbatim. And it hit me like a hammer.
The Bible calls for selfless, sacrificial love in serving your brothers and sisters, doesn't it? The complete denial of one's self for the benefit of others.
But at the same time, in my attempts at that kind of love for others, I had successfully hurt some of the people I cared most about. In ignoring my own feelings and lying to myself to make others happy, I had pulled them and myself into a situation which would inevitably end with someone getting hurt.
Motive: To make everyone else happy.
Means: Complete denial of my own feelings.
Goal: To make everyone happy.
This ended badly.
So, what I'm wrestling with right now is this:
In attempting the kind of selfless love we as Christians are called to, I ended up lying to and hurting people I care about. Right?
But at the same time, I gave up everything for people I care about so they could be happy. I was loving them, wasn't I? There was no benefit for me in the situation. In fact, it caused me more grief and frustration than was ever necessary.
Where does loving others selflessly become self-denial?
Where did the good intention turn into something worse?
More importantly, DID it ever turn from good intention into something worse?
Did I do anything wrong?
Did I do anything right?
It seems there is a fine line between selflessness and self-deprecating.
I'm going to expound a little on this:
The Bible teaches that we are to love others before ourselves. However, it also teaches that any man who hates himself is incapable of actually GIVING love to others. This is often a case used with those who self-harm; if you can't learn to love yourself as a valuable child of God, you can't learn to love others in return.
Selflessness calls for us to be willing to lay down everything for God, despite our feelings. Emotions are fickle, so we are called to trust the word of the Bible as logical reason for actions.
We should always choose God's word over what we feel.
But what if, in trying to do so, we hurt those around us?
I'm in no way calling for us to trust our emotions over the Gospel.
We were created as beings of both logic and emotion; humans are both scientific and spiritual. This is something many people have trouble finding balance in. Some Christians weigh in on the side of science, saying emotion is just brain chemistry. This is where we get the very logical people. The other side of that coin is the lover, the person who puts more value in emotion and feeling than in science and logic.
It's tough to find the proper balance.
To quote the band Anberlin, 'There is no mathematics in love and loss.'
While I am moving on and have sufficiently closed the book on this chapter of my life, I continue to wonder about my actions. Did I do the right thing and handle the situation in a way pleasing to God? Did I do the wrong thing and handle it all wrong? Sometimes the best of intentions have the worst of consequences.
Am I dwelling on the issue? Maybe. But I do feel this is something that merits very careful meditation on the subject.
As I talked with another friend after everything went downhill, I told him I felt like I was a time-bomb. That no matter how hard I tried to do the right thing and honor God, I hurt at least one person in the process.
He proceeded to call me on my moronic ranting. He said something to the affect of:
"That's ridiculous. If you spend your life staying away from people, how are you doing what God has called you to do? How are you being in the world but not of it?"
It's great to have friends who are comfortable enough with you to call you on your crap.
As Christians in a sinful world, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that we hurt those around us when doing the right thing. It's easy to assume that retreating from the situation will be the best for all others involved.
But when we try to pull away, we hurt those people we care about. Why?
Because in this fallen world, everyone is looking for love. Everyone is looking for acceptance.
The church is a community. We NEED other people around us to support us. We need our families, our friends.
By considering cutting off ties with people who needed me just because I was scared I would mess up again (and I indefinitely will at some point), I was not loving selflessly. In fact, not only was I denying these people love, I was causing them hurt because they didn't understand the retreat.
People need other people. We need to be there for each other. It's how humans manage to get by in this fallen world. People not only provide someone to lean on for others, they also serve as a reminder there is a hope we all hold on to.
I continue to search for the balance between selfless love and self-deprecation. I continue to wonder if love is about ignoring everything you feel to make others happy, or if that is really love at all.
Is it fair to others to completely ignore everything else you feel just to show them love and kindness? Or is this, in effect, lying to them?
Where does trying to be selfless become unfair?
I continue to wonder this while I move on, not because I'm dwelling, but because it is something that merits deep thought.
Tell me what you think, brothers and sisters.
