*When did you get so watered down?
I thought your blood was thick.*
Lost Continent
I try to keep this blog from being about me too much (admittedly I fail miserably sometimes), but right now I just kind of need a bit of an outlet.
Lately, I've felt incredible burnt out spiritually. It's been a really hard year for a lot of reasons and I can tell it's really taken a toll on my faith.
I've always been terrified that I'm one of those Christians who burns bright for a moment and then burns out entirely and loses the way. Or that I'm just a tree that doesn't bear fruit. Honestly, I don't think my faith has ever made a significant impact on anyone in my life, no matter how hard I try to make it the central axis of my life.
I see people- people my age- who are honest, real influences. They're involved in things like causes, they can recite verses from memory, they know so much, they read so many books I've never even considered, and it's just like... That's who I want to be. Why am I not?
I'm terrible at remembering references of verses. I can barely ever get words out straight unless I'm writing them out. I'm not involved in any causes, I'm not making a difference or really delivering a message. I'm a kid with a blog, wishing I was more than I actually am.
I think if I'm blatantly honest, my faith has plateaued. Something that should never happen for a Christian. We should always be learning and growing. But I'm not. I'm stuck in place and I don't know why and I don't want to be. I used to have an incredible certainty and passion for Christ and for a while I was able to really use it to help people, but now it's like it's gone.
I keep trying to help people but the words don't come as easily and it's like I'm forcing them out instead of having them just pour out of me from the Holy Spirit like they used to. Maybe my time of usefulness has finished. Maybe my purpose was to help in those situations and now that it's complete I just have to wait until Heaven and see if I can make it.
I try reading lately but I don't get any feeling from what I read. I pray constantly but it's like talking to a wall. I'm so frustrated and stressed and I just don't get it. I've always been sure that God's purpose for me was to help people, but I'm not in any condition to help anyone. I can't do anyone any good like this.
Honestly, a lot of crap has happened this year that I haven't been able to let go of in part. There's a lot of stuff that happened that I feel like I could've stopped from happening for people, but I didn't. And that just makes me feel like I'm not living up to my purpose. So maybe I've stopped bearing fruit. Maybe my faith isn't what I thought it was. I don't know.
I'm just confused and exhausted and frustrated right now.
